Self Deception
by Iruka Sensei871
Summary: Jiraiya finds Kakashi by Sakumo's corpse, unable to get past the shock of his father dying. He tends to Kakashi as he tries to cope.  warning for suicide  obviously
1. Chapter 1

Self-Deception

Jiraiya and Inuzuka Tsume trudged through Konoha. It wasn't the first time he'd wished the Hokage tower was closer to the gate. After long missions he hated the long walk to the center of town to make his report.

They passed Sakumo's house, and Jiraiya looked the other way. Tsume grunted. "Fucking traitor," she muttered under her breath. Kuromaru growled his assent.

Jiraiya knew better than to take up for Sakumo in public, even with a friend as close as Tsume. He'd tried a few times, but when he was challenged to give logical reasons for his defense of one of Konoha's strongest and now most infamous ninjas, all he could say was, "he's family". He cared for Sakumo and his son, but he couldn't find an excuse for his actions, and he'd tried. Sakumo had stated his reasons for saving his comrade's life, but Jiraiya couldn't get past the result. This entire war was Sakumo's fault. Even the ninja he'd saved blamed him harshly.

He'd visit later. He'd been too hard on his nephew. Sakumo probably needed a shoulder to cry on, and Kakashi had been acting far too distant since the war began. He'd always been serious, but now he had a huge chip on his shoulder.

The wind changed direction, and Kuromaru stopped and raised his nose, sniffing delicately. He barked a few times, and Jiraiya saw his hackles rise. He looked towards Sakumo's house and snarled.

"What's wrong?" Jiraiya asked.

"He smells blood," Tsume said. "He said there's a lot of blood in that house."

They'd worked together enough that they didn't even need to talk strategy. Jiraiya pointed to the back of the house. Tsume and Kuromaru went around the house while Jiraiya approached the front door. He avoided the squeaky board in the porch – the one Sakumo left unrepaired on purpose as a sort of extra security precaution.

Jiraiya stood to the side of the door and shoved it open, half expecting kunai to come flying out at him. Sakumo had had several death threats, and Jiraiya assumed someone had tried to make good. He pulled his Ishiken and entered the room forcefully, ready to do battle.

He froze. Instead of a willing opponent he faced an ugly domestic scene. Sakumo lay on the floor with his intestines splattered in front on him. Judging by the congealed nature of the blood and the lividity of Sakumo's face, Jiraiya thought he must have died sometime during the night.

Tsume entered from the kitchen. "It's about time," she said.

"Have some respect," Jiraiya said quietly. "He was family."

She spat on the corpse.

"Tsume go. Leave me with my family." His friendship with Tsume was broken forever. She bumped his shoulder as she left. Only in death did he dare ally himself with Sakumo.

He turned his attention to the other figure in the room. Kakashi stood over his father's corpse. He hadn't even acknowledged their presence; he just stood there and stared at the gore covering his floor. He didn't cry or shake; he just stood.

"Kakashi?"

No answer. Jiraiya made his way around the body, trying not to step in the large puddle of blood. Kakashi stood behind his father, oblivious to the blood soaking through his shoes and up his pants.

He put his hand on the boy's shoulder.

"Kakashi?"

"Guh," he heard. He didn't know if Kakashi was trying to talk or hold back a sob.

He shook Kakashi by the shoulder. "Snap out of it. Say something."

Kakashi made a few guttural noises. He posture remained rigid, and his fists were clenched at his side.

Jiraiya spun him around to get him to stop looking at his father's corpse. Kakashi looked at him without recognition. Jiraiya had seen people in shock before.

Kakashi's mouth worked silently, unable to actually form words. He turned back toward his father, and Jiraiya forcefully turned him away and took Kakashi's unmasked jaw in his face.

"Kakashi, do you know who I am?"

He didn't answer, and Jiraiya saw no signs of recognition in his face. Kakashi's legs began to shake visibly. Jiraiya caught him as he fell, but he still ended up covered in his father's blood.

Tsume would have already alerted the authorities, so Jiraiya focused on tending to Kakashi. He pulled him into the bathroom and dumped him into the bathtub. Kakashi stirred a bit, but he didn't wake. Jiraiya stripped him and washed his father's blood off the boy. He hadn't seen Kakashi without his shirt since he was little, and it troubled him how much the boy's ribs showed. He hadn't been eating properly; he must have been more affected than he let on.

He dressed Kakashi, making sure he put a fresh mask on him. Sakumo's family had a long history with their masks, and he wouldn't like to be seen without it. Jiraiya put Kakashi into bed and sat by him until the police showed up. They looked at Sakumo's corpse with undisguised disgust. "Where's Kakashi?" one of them asked. "Tsume said he was here."

Jiraiya told him how he had found Kakashi and put him into bed when he passed out.

"No reason to bother him," the cop said. "He's a strong ninja, and we need him. Even if he did kill his old man he probably wouldn't be prosecuted. Killing a dog isn't murder."

Jiraiya had to work hard to keep his fist from flying. "I'll ask you not to speak that way about my nephew, at least not to my face." He wished he'd said that while Sakumo was alive.

When they left he returned to Kakashi's bed, sitting there for a few hours until he woke.

"Oji-Jiraiya, have I been sick?" Kakashi asked. Jiraiya usually kept him company when he was ill; at least he had before the war had pulled him away.

"I had the worst dream," Kakashi said.

Jiraiya wanted to spare Kakashi, but he knew it would just be worse if he let him have this delusion.

"It wasn't a dream," Jiraiya said.

Kakashi was quiet for a few minutes. "Did they take him away?" he asked.

"They did."

"I've seen enough death, some of it much worse than this. It shouldn't affect me so much."

"It's ok to be upset," Jiraiya said. "He was your father."

He waited for Kakashi to fall asleep, and then he scrubbed the floors, trying to remove the blood stains. He couldn't get the large one where Sakumo had lain out, so he went into another room and dragged a large rug into the living room. It covered the stain, and Jiraiya hoped it would help Kakashi not to see evidence of his father's suicide.

He answered a knock on the door to find Tsume. "The Hokage said family problems or not, he needs your report. He sent me to find you." There was no warmth in her eyes or voice. She'd condemned him just like she had Sakumo. The difference was that Jiraiya didn't care.

"You've done your duty," he said. "I don't think we have anything more to say to each other."

He made his report and rushed back to Kakashi. He still had on the clothes he'd been wearing in battle, and he stank. He didn't have time to change though. He was afraid Kakashi might have hurt himself while he was gone.

He found Kakashi sitting at his table doing paperwork. "I'm behind on some of this," he said when he saw the questioning look on Jiraiya's face.

"Don't you want to rest for awhile?" Jiraiya asked.

"No," Kakashi said. "I want to work."

"I'll go home and get some things so I can stay here for a few days," Jiraiya said, "or at least until I'm sent out."

"Why?" Kakashi asked.

"Noni? What do you mean why?"

"I've stayed by myself before. It's not that big of a deal."

Jiraiya didn't know what to say.

"When my father gets back from his mission I'll let him know you stopped by," Kakashi said, turning back to his paperwork.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: I changed up some of the timing with Kakashi and Obito. None of my stuff is canon anyway.

Self-Deception Chapter 2

"Kakashi, we need to talk about this," Jiraiya said.

"No we don't. There's nothing to talk about." As he said it, Kakashi's eyes drifted to the rug that covered his tragedy.

"Have it your own way then," Jiraiya said. "I'm staying if you won't at least talk to me."

"Makes no difference," Kakashi said. "Let me think he's on a mission. It helps."

"I don't think it's good for you," Jiraiya said. "You can think whatever you want, but I'm not going to be a part of that fantasy. You'll have his funeral to attend. You can't avoid reality then."

Kakashi bent closer to his reports, ignoring Jiraiya. After spending some time in the house he got tired of hearing nothing but Kakashi's pen as he caught up on papers. Jiraiya went to his own house to get enough clothes for a few days. After that he'd have to see what he wanted to do next.

He could see Kakashi as he entered the house, sitting in the kitchen and staring at the rug again. His defiant look had left, and a sad longing filled his eyes. He didn't even notice Jiraiya.

"Staring at that spot is just going to make you feel worse," Jiraiya said.

Kakashi started. "Huh? When did you get here?"

"A few minutes ago. You're in a funk. Why don't you get some air or something? We could train if you want."

"I don't want to go outside," he said. "I'm sure news has already spread. I don't know which is going to be worse, the people who pity me for losing him, or the people who pity me for having him as a father."

"Sakumo was a good man," Jiraiya said. "Don't judge his entire life by one mistake."

"It was a big mistake," Kakashi said. "A lot of people died because of it." He looked back at the rug.

"I know, but we both loved him. Don't forget that."

"Oji-Jiraiya, I really don't want to talk anymore. I'm very tired."

"Ok, I'll see you in the morning then. Try to get some rest."

Jiraiya thought Kakashi looked worse the next morning. Bags were forming under his eyes. He obviously hadn't slept, but then Jiraiya hadn't slept either.

Kakashi began to clean his father's tanto, using a toothpick to clean out the dried blood from the carvings on the handle.

"I'm making breakfast. What do you want?" Jiraiya asked.

Kakashi didn't look up from the weapon. "I'm not hungry." Jiraiya noticed he was wearing the mask in the house now. He'd never done that before.

"You need to eat," Jiraiya said.

"I'm fine," Kakashi said. There was an edge to his voice.

Jiraiya made two bowls of oatmeal and pushed one in front of Kakashi. "Eat," he said.

"I said I'm not hungry."

"I could see your ribs last night. You have to keep up your energy."

Kakashi simply turned back to the tanto, polishing it carefully.

_That's enough of this,_ Jiraiya thought. He moved so fast Kakashi barely noticed he wasn't in his chair. Jiraiya grabbed one ear and pinched hard.

Kakashi jumped and reached to pull Jiraiya's hand away from his ear. Jiraiya trapped both small hands in his massive paw, and he waited until Kakashi quit struggling.

"Do I have your attention now?" he asked.

"Yes," Kakashi spat.

"Yes what?"

"Yes sir," he said grudgingly.

"I couldn't help your father, but you're still alive, and I intend to keep you that way. Eat, now. I have to go back to the front next week. I don't want to have to worry about you when I'm out there."

"I'm fine," Kakashi said.

"You're not fine. I'd be more worried about you if you were. While I'm here you're going to follow a schedule, and you're going to eat and train like before. Do you understand?"

"Yeah," Kakashi said.

Jiraiya twisted his ear. "What did you say?"

"Yes sir." Jiraiya let his ear go, and Kakashi glared at him while he rubbed it.

Kakashi didn't eat much, but Jiraiya decided not to push the issue. It was enough that he accepted his authority in the house right now. Kakashi needed structure, and Jiraiya knew when he had to leave the kid had better be able to take care of himself. He doubted anyone else gave a shit, except for his Sensei who was too busy planning a major war to be much help right now.

"I have work to do today," Jiraiya said. "I want you to write down the training schedule you usually keep, and stick to it."

He heard a knock on the door and Obito and Rin arguing outside. _Th_ank _god,_ he thought. Part of the benefit of having team members was having them around at times like this.

"I don't want to talk to them," Kakashi said.

"They care about you," Jiraiya said.

"Rin's worried and Obito's crying. I can guarantee it. I don't want to be worried at or cried over."

Jiraiya answered the door. "I'm sorry kids. He's not feeling well. I'll tell him you came by."

Obito wasn't crying. He looked sad though. "My mom said he can stay with us if he wants to," Obito said.

"Tell Kashi-kun I'm thinking of him," Rin said.

He gave Kakashi their messages. "Just what I need," Kakashi said. "A fangirl and the Least Uchia. I don't know why I got stuck on a team with those two."

"They like you," Jiraiya said. "Try to give them a break."

"Obito doesn't like me. We fight all the time. He just forgot because something bad happened and he's too sympathetic for his own good. That's going to hold him back."

"When does your team usually train?"

"About 12. We usually have to wait for Obito though. He's never on time. Sensei usually has one of the Jounins train with us if any are in town. He's usually too busy to be able to train with us."

"Then I want you at that training field at 12," Jiraiya said.

Kakashi opened his mouth to protest.

"You need to get out. I don't want you to stew in here. And eat lunch too."

"Yes sir," Kakashi grumbled.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kakashi was glad to see his Sensei at the field. Rin was there, but Obito was predictably late. She ran up and grabbed Kakashi in a tight hug. "I'm so sorry Kashi-kun."

Kakashi felt the first surge of an emotion that would plague him for years. Her sentimentality disgusted him. He disentangled himself, and said, "he didn't follow the rules. The mission should always take first priority."

"But…"

"No," Kakashi said. "I don't want to talk about it. I came here to train, once Dead Last gets here."

"Kakashi, that's disrespectful toward your teammate," Minato said.

"Sorry, Sensei."

It was awkward sitting there with the two of them, waiting for Obito. Rin looked miserable, and Minato kept looking at him like he wanted to say something. For the first time Kakashi was relieved when Obito arrived, arranging his goggles.

"You're late, loser," Kakashi said.

"I'm not a loser," Obito yelled. "I couldn't find my goggles, and my eyes get irritated without them."

Kakashi and Obito bickered, and when the team began to train Kakashi focused on Obito completely, earning a few good hits from Rin. "I'm here too, you know," she said.

"Kakashi quit striking out so aggressively. You're not focusing on defense at all," Minato said.

"Hai Sensei."

He tried to follow instructions, but he just wanted to hurt something. When Obito managed to pummel him, Minato called a halt. "That's enough for today. There's a major offensive I have to plan for. I expect you to train diligently on your own."

"Hai Sensei," they all said at once.

"Kakashi, stay afterwards," his Sensei said.

Minato waited until Rin and Obito were gone. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm trying to accept it. I can take missions anytime."

"I'm concerned about you more than your ability to take missions."

"Thank you, but I'm fine. Oji-Jiraiya is staying with me. I really want to get out on the field again."

Minato saw his secretary heading toward the field. "I have to go. Take care of yourself, and you can come talk to me anytime."

Kakashi knew he meant it, but he also knew his Sensei had to struggle to arrange even the occasional practice. He would just have to manage alone after Jiraiya left.

He stuck to his schedule and made sure Jiraiya saw him eat. He didn't want his ear manhandled again. The funeral was hard, but he got past it and went about his life.

He didn't mention it to anyone, but when he could he still pretended his father was on a mission. When he started to feel down he would tell himself, _I should clean the house. He'll be coming home tomorrow._

Jiraiya couldn't stay in Konoha forever. He was needed at the front. The day before he left, Jiraiya told Kakashi he had to pick a place to stay.

"I can stay here," Kakashi said. "I've been taking care of myself since I joined ANBU at four."

"It's not up for debate," Jiraiya said. "Minato and I agree. If you don't pick someone, we'll pick for you. The Uchias and the Hyugas have both offered to take you in."

"They probably just want to hook me up with one of their daughters," Kakashi said. "I don't want to play politics."

"Who then?" Jiraiya asked.

"Could I stay with Sensei's family?" he asked.

"I don't see why not. His wife could use some help around the house while Minato is gone. You be respectful though, or I'll put you over my knee."

"You wouldn't!" Kakashi said.

"You'll never get to old for that. If you don't believe me, try it."

Kakashi had a feeling he was serious.


	3. Chapter 3

Self Deception Ch 3

The days dragged by until his first mission. He loved Sensei's family, but he was glad when he could return to the solitude of his own home. He enjoyed getting out of the village on a mission, even if it was just a crappy escort mission. Obito and Rin didn't bother him about his father anymore.

Obito's death eclipsed his father's somehow. He hadn't felt responsible for his father's death, but Obito's was a direct result of his choices. On their last mission Obito had confronted him about his father, forcing him to face things as only Obito could do. Kakashi knew Obito helped him become comfortable with his father's memory at least, but the Sharingan leaked when he thought too much about either of them.

Every year he had a ritual he didn't tell anyone about. On the anniversary of his father's death he would pull back the rug and sit against the wall all night, watching the stain and remembering. The next day he always felt like shit, but it was something he felt he had to do. It helped somehow.

He was nearly 30 before anyone discovered his habit. By then it had ceased bringing him any kind of comfort. It was like poking a wound. It didn't help anymore; it just felt necessary.

Jiraiya needed some information on an upcoming mission. He pounded on Kakashi's door, wondering why he didn't get an answer. He knew Kakashi was home. His light was on, and Kakashi never left lights on.

He looked in the kitchen window, hoping to spot Kakashi. He really wanted to get his planning done tonight if possible. He had a few days; he just wanted to get it out of the way.

He saw Kakashi laying on the floor in the living room. Jiraiya banged on the window. When Kakashi didn't stir Jiraiya was struck by a fear he'd dealt with since Sakumo's death. He couldn't see any blood, but there were bloodless ways Kakashi might have killed himself.

He forced the door open, afraid he was going to find another lifeless body in that room. He understood when he saw the rolled back rug and several empty bottles of whiskey near Kakashi. He was covered in whiskey and vomit.

Jiraiya sat by him and looked at the spot where Sakumo died. There was fresh blood there, not much but enough to be noticeable. He saw a cut on Kakashi's arm.

_That's fucked up, _Jiraiya thought.

It wasn't as easy to pull Kakashi to the bathroom this time, or to strip his gangly figure down. He'd gotten bigger and unwieldy. Jiraiya ran a tub of water. Kakashi didn't even move when he hit the cold water.

_I'd rather wash vomit out of his hair than his father's blood off him,_ Jiraiya thought.

When Kakashi woke in his own bed, Jiraiya was there, snoring in a chair near him.

Kakashi sat up and held a hand to his aching head. "How did I get here?" he asked.

Jiraiya woke and shifted in the chair. It wasn't a comfortable chair. "Good morning," he said.

"How long have you been here?" Kakashi asked.

"All night. You can be a real shithead sometimes. Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"I didn't want to bother you," Kakashi said. "It's just something I do once a year. It's no big deal."

"I miss him too," Jiraiya said. "You don't have to carry all this yourself. Next year I'll sit with you, if you want. I'm a better companion than Jack Daniel's anyway."

"I'd like that," Kakashi said. "No one else deserves to share that night."

Jiraiya yawned. "I'm tired as hell. Shove over." He barely gave Kakashi time to move before he flopped in the bed next to him.

Kakashi wanted to thank his great-uncle, but he was already snoring. At least next year he didn't have to sit his vigil alone.


End file.
